Mop: Boeing 737

Een Boeing 737 heeft motorproblemen.

De piloot waarschuwt de passagiers zich gereed te maken voor een noodlanding.
Een schone Française grijpt haar handtas en begint verwoedt haar make-up bij te werken.
De Arabische dame naast haar kijkt haar verbaasd aan en vraagt haar waarom ze dit doet.
De schone Française antwoordt:Ze redden altijd de mooiste als eerste!

Vlug pakt de Arabische dame haar handtas en haalt al haar gouden sieraden eruit en doet ze 1 voor 1 om.
De Afrikaanse naast haar kijkt haar verbaasd aan en vraagt haar waarom ze dit doet.
De Arabische dame antwoordt:  Ze redden altijd de rijkste als eerste!

Hierop gaat de Afrikaanse staan doet haar slip uit, rok omhoog en gaat voorover gebogen met haar billen voor het  raampje staan.

De Française en de Arabische kijken haar verbaasd aan en vragen haar waarom ze dit doet.
De Afrikaanse antwoordt: Ze zoeken de zwarte doos altijd het eerst.

Head and Shoulders

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, “Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders” and the Blonde replied, “How do you give shoulders?”

African Tribe Worships Salma Hayek’s Breasts!

Salma Hayek

Weekly World News Online, by Mark Miller

The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people — they worship actress Salma Hayek’s breasts!

While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.

Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.

“As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord.”

When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. “Everyone gasped — men, women, and children,” recalls Kianga. “Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls.”

After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek — her looks, her spirit, her energy.

In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.

The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek’s breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.

“Salma’s chest globes are magnificent forces of nature,” gushes Kianga. “They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: ‘We’re here. We’re here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.’ ”

Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek’s awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek’s breasts one hundred times for luck.

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek’s sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.

Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:

Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck. Especially we ask for sexual potency from the Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma. Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!

Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, “Worshipping Salma Hayek’s breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life.”



What did one saggy boob say …?

Saggy boob humor

Cold hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Camelot & The Chastity Belt

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed,

“Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis. “Sir Galahadhis,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

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