Obama’s package

Hair on your muffin

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”
“I know,” she replies, “I’m gonna get tits too.”

HONGERIGE POES

Komt een vent de kroeg in met een bloed mooie vrouw en een kat. Hij bestelt een bier, een wijntje voor zijn vrouw en 8 gehaktballen voor de kat.
Na enige tijd bestelt hij nog een keer hetzelfde. Een half uur later nog eens.

Zegt de barkeeper: “Ik wil me nergens mee bemoeien, maar als die kat nog een keer 8 gehaktballen moet eten wordt hij doodziek”.

“Nou”, zegt die man, “Het zit zo: Ik zat vorige week mijn koperen lamp te poetsen en die ging glimmen als een spiegel, maar ineens kwam er een geest uit die me zei dat ik 3 wensen mocht doen. Eerst wenste ik de hoofdprijs in de loterij en die kreeg ik.

Toen wenste ik een rode Ferrari in mijn garage en die stond er, en als 3e wens vroeg ik een bloed mooie vrouw met een hongerige poes maar dat heeft hij niet goed begrepen!”

A little old man

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Morris

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his “garage door.”

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, “When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?”
She smiled and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.”

Dyslexic Cinderella

THIS IS BEST IF READ OUT LOUD

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard – frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn’t let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Miste all chucking frighty!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there” said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they all lived happily ever after.

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